[[*Endless Road_______Endless Journey]]*

Monday, October 26, 2009

[[being a single too long..]]

keeps me thinking that it won't do u any good...

Rite now i love this single world is coz of..
} Fear of being vulnerable or hurt
} The independence
} A coward to open up
} Comfortable in tiz environment, resistant to change
} Or like michelle's friend says, "being a lone wolf"
[craving a time of ur own, addicted to loneliness]

I dun think i can ever dislike the single world enough to leave
& grab a companion to traverse life's journey with
So with such incentives for keeping my heart in a strong fortress

If im not careful,

I bet i can degrade
to...

> A self-centred narcissist
> Be bitter to other people
> Shutting myself in as everyone is bound to be busy with their own lives
(Always wonder what'll happen to friends after a few years,
I know we always wish for each other's happiness
but i dun think we have enough time to spend with each other)

> Personality gets twisted & become an inhuman soul

Yea i cant help but feel scared as i see the hero from "he who can't get married"
It's like seeing a possibility of me being like tat in the future T_T

Observing so many examples.. =/
Once u're hurt deeply,
u become extremely cautious &
protective of opening urself up to new people.
Hmm, maybe i should search harder for those who defy tiz nature.

Well looks like this is another part of me i need fix.
Funny thing is u'd find urself so sure of ur strength yourself but
having another person to look at you
allows that deluded confidence to crumble away..

So i guess im suppose to be desperate but why don't i feel desperate already ._.
I think its better to be a despo, i mean sure u make mistakes but it allows time for u to grow..

Eddy bro gave me a good insight haiz..
but i think maybe i might miss & miss again to follow such insight when given the time T_T
Like a song u can't get it right, will the Conductor be patient enough to wait & repeat or
the baton stroke on & i'll be ignored..

Submerged in that one part of the symphony,
though obviously, everyone else is moving on along with the tune.
After all, life may not give second chances to certain people.

Let's continue walking on to whatever oblivion light has to give,
Who asked us to be attracted to it in the first place?

(Lol yupz, lil bro & mom at the causeway.. adik was busy shooting as always)

Karm: U have issues
Me: Shaddap! i need some drama for meself :OO

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|12:39 PM|

Friday, October 23, 2009

[[juz a matterof believing urself]]

Hey hey..

U should noe wat's tiz nerdish & antisocial freak is doing now rite? :PP
Yea reading about human DNA

"Divine code of life" by Kurakami.

Juz borrowed another book of quantum.. I find tat the more i read it, how the universe works subatomically the more i get excited. :DD
By reading quantum, i realised the universe was created under precised conditions. Thanks to Davis & Gibbing who wrote "The Matter Myth".
Honestly, i have a thing for space from childhood times. XDD

Oh yeah bout the DNA,
Juz noe that the genes u inherit from ur parents can be altered.
Dun think, "Ah.. Coz my dad had diabetes, im gonna have it"
That'll increase ur chances of getting it.
Wouldn't it be better if u fight with valiance
by believing that u won't have that disease.
A recent study found that laughter could
decrease glucose level in type 2 diabetes.. living happily and strong faith are big. Sometimes the result might be depressing but at least u tried ur best in every way possible kaiz?
James rollins had turned me out into a science geek.. >.<

Lil bro has been conquering the computer for video editing..

Thus the sista is getting more hikkomori.

Well my phone receives smses hours later which

makes it damn difficult to contact ppl whom i missed..

I really have difficulty smsing karopi ToT

Niwayz tiz is one of the vid my lil bro made that i liked World end

Warning: A jap song! Yea thanks to ookiku furikabutte anime.. He wished to join softball and badminton in secondary skool. One thing he have that i don't is his outstanding persistence.. guess tats why he excels in sports & manage to create vids :)

The more i packed away dad's stuff..
The more i see the resemblance of me from him. He also read the quantum books that i borrowed.. when i asked whether my step-bro & sis ever liked such topics, he smiled and said no lol.
Now i know why i have the 'difficult to show love' trait.. dad, dad. I can never say "I love you" without grimacing or becoming stiff. XDD

The books he bought in the past tells it all. He had tis unsatiable thirst of knowledge about learning more about consciousness, God and dreams.. The things that i keep thinking bout now.

Lol there also were books about economics & setting up business, whenever me & mom come across these books, we somehow juz cant help it but scorned at em. We even got to a point by flinging some away. Looks like we can never forget the financial issue, guess coz we are still being plague by it? Forgiven but can never forget haiz.. women. *shakes head*

And wth, he has tons of religous books.. though i used to doubt him being religous. So when packing away dad's books, we go to "fascinated" times to "hating" times to "omgdadreadstiz??!"times. Yea, dad do not express his thoughts, u have to tell him what u're thinking & he will choose to entertain u or not. All in all, he remains reclusive to me from when i was young till now. Education topic is the only thing tat will get him going. =/

been a long time since i write in malay.

Sekarang apa yang saya nak sampaikan adalah pasal tentang agamaku.

Bila berbual dengan bapaku, aku sedar yang dia masih ada iman tetapi didalm dirinya sahaja.

Dia tak tunjuknya secara zahir..

Tak tahulah adakah kerana dia malas ataupun iman di hatinya kuat.

Aku berkata pada dia yang aku amat sayang pada buku asma ul husna yang ditulis oleh muhaiyaddeen..

And juz now, when discussing bout how loved late Grandma Timah was..

Dad- Yea, i dun wish to have any illness.. I wish to feel death like how turning off the switch is like

Aku- Bapa mesti taubat tau!

Bapa- Alah tak payah sembahyang sangat asalkan engkau ingat tuhan di dalam hati..

Aku- Hmm tapi selepas membaca buku muhaiyaddeen tu, saya rasa sembahyang tu perkara yang sangat penting. *memberi buku tu pada bapa* (tak tahulah kalau dapat membantunya kerana itu buku dibeli oleh bapaku dahulu)

Mak ku rasa sembahyang itu mengkuatkan iman kerana badan kita berposisi macam huruf bentuk aliff, lam, dhaal, meem.

Dari buku tu, ku dapat tau bahwa kita sudah berzikir pada tuhan dengan nafas kita dengan bunyi ha di dalam..

muhaiyiddeen berkata yang huruf-huruf ni kalau dicantumkun bermaksud alhmad - hati yang penuh syukuran.

Kaiz sampai setakat ini sajalah. Pergilah cari dan memperoleh buku ini kerana ia telah memberikan ku ransangan yang kuat untuk meneguhkan ibadahku. Tapi baik-baik bila cuba menafsirkan isinya, bawa muhaiyaddeen pun ada beri amaran.

Aliff, lam, meem yang terdapat di pembukaan qur' an. Saya selalu tanya ibuku apa maksud huruf-huruf ni. Kenapa mereka ada dipembukaan surah. Mak ku jawab yang dia percaya ucapan itu ada maksud yang mendalam. Dan muhaiyideen ada menjawab soalan ini di dalam buku asma ul husna. Apa yand dia mengajar amat mendalam. Sayangnya aku belum matang lagi untuk memahaminya.

Harap dapatlahku faham pada masa akan datang :)

As i talked to him about late Grandma Timah, how i felt so sad Dad and she didn't meet on hari raya tiz year. I cried when i heard that she passed away on thursday.. I juz cant understand why dad didnt did his best to visit her, i even psychoed my grandma to come visit her.. But tat plan was abandoned when no one answered the door and we went visiting sumwhere else. He should have called more times, coz I and grandma really wanted to see her. Now i noe why i wanted to see her so much.

Well, I nvr saw sumone who loved my dad deeply. When we left her place last year.. she was crying a lot. And the aunt who took care of her, told us tat time that late Grandma Timah keep on asking her about how Dad's doing. She listened to us but couldn't talked as she had lost her voice at tat time. Looking at how she passed away peacefully at home. I cant help but believe she was loved by God. After seeing how she loved dad, hearing her stories on raising him, i started to love her very much too.. Shame she had to leave when dad is still in down times. I wanted her to see dad in his prime & not when we are keeping so many secrets about ourselves.. :/

Anyway thanks to Prof. kurakami and his belief
of the presence of good genes & harmful genes in the genetic code.
I decided to change my pessimism
about my lack of creativity for composing songs
and so today.
I tried activating the 'good' part of the genes. XD

Result is..

'Fight'

Voices crowded my mind
clouds the path i couldn't find
and i lose my way
I figured out what's right
is never what i want
and hey
its never easy
to
Give out a fight
when you don't see the light
of why these things must happen to you

When the future looks bleak
And u lose the will to speak
And that's when.. sorrow finds you

So I..
get a hold of myself with the tears
Played out my choice and fight my fears
Then my strength prevails
to..gether with my peers

This song definitely needs more tweaking especially the lyrics part but it's okay for the first draft rite?? =O
hehe i always have tunes in my head.. problem is always fitting in lyrics to the tune & well continuing the tune. Yea, i ran out of ideas for lyrics.
And my mp3 voice recorder sucks!! I swear hearing it with my earphones was okay but from the comp, it's.. ._.***
OKAY, i admit i have very little talent for composing. I salute those artistes that create their own original compositions.. hahax but i enjoy tiz hobby, no matter how much it will waste my time. =DD

At least i managed to progress further compared to how i fare when i was being an extreme critic of myself. But i keep on wishing i knew how to play guitar. I always imagine my songs with guitar parts.

Well thanx to Fian, i have loads of free time away from the comp anyway. And the me rite now is undergoing a weird transition where i simply hate not doing anything. So juz like me bro.. i still have a long way to go to brush up my skills. XDD

Oh yar & Susu, ur color sense is damn good..
i remember my attachment friends loved the cards & the ribbon alot.
I keep on having to tell them tat they were selected by u lol. Thanx a lotlotlot :DD

And thanx to mokona & shirlyn, i gotta noe that lil bro being crossed-eye is not good..
Complications: Eye strain and headache in the future.

So gonna drag him to the polyclinic for a referral tmr. His eye-condition had worsened dramatically tiz week so i asked mokona and shirlyn bout it today. Yupz met em for my contct lens appointment today.

Good thing is it can be repaired by eye-patching but since lil bro's now old.. the eyepatching process will take very long..
So ppl if u eva have crossed-eyed children.. seek a doctor asap.

He developed it when he was 5 years old
but when i brought it up to Mom & Dad tat time.

They denied vehemently and scolded me for saying such things about my brother.. =_=""
U have no idea how frustated i was with them.

So cross-eyedness is okay, no laser treatment needed, its just patching one eye and training the affected eye muscle kkaiz?
Phew! I finally get out everything from my mind.. I can rest easy XDD

More pics tat i didn't published.. Haiz there's summore pics that i nidda upload before tiz com crash. *feeling insecure*

There's some sort of virus lurking in here :((
Dad's wants to put a better graphic card the next time tiz com is sent for repairs. All for the sake of Fian's L4D.

Well if the graphic is good, i'm gonna play 2.. Coz i cant take lagging.

I realised that i now rock on shooting games, been playing halo lol.

& the pics this round are...

Gene's bday/bbq which was at august..

man i came realli late thanx to someone *whistles*

Gene's aunt was very nice to the latecomers *yea, confesses it hit on my conscience*

Sumwat i want bbq food now again lol. And i just ate at annabelle's bday party last week.

I'm becoming a buta or a pandi = >: (:) [does tat look like a pig?]

Modoki *danger! danger!*

hehe nice!

MC has the power of fire *_*

playing mahjong :PP

(Nah they didn't)

So we snuck off sumwhere..

At the end of the day.. I didn't change my clothes tat was wet after playing with water. Nvr thought i would feel it till i ride the train to lakeside. Boy, was the ride back to ct's house a freezing torture.

Tadaa.. anabelle, fangqi & karti.

I nvr thought i could clicked with attachment buddies so well. XDD

23/10/09

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|10:52 AM|

Sunday, October 11, 2009

[[Hamsters & usagis are up!!]]

Wahahahah i'm finally satisfied!! No longer getting turn off after seeing the blogskin hehehe
Thanks to susu for introducing fedora. Fedora's blogskin is what i wanted all along!!! hehe
And why u call me "the girl from the 4th planet"
It sounded like im a human specimen..T_T

Tiz post maybe boring.. hey, it's my life im talking bout, tat's why. X/

I admit each time hari raya came around.. I may not be in the mood but it seems God made me see things more clearly everytime this festive season is around.
Even if i tried to be pessimistic when i help my mom cook, i will become happy and hyper.
And think of how time has mould my soul...
I will put pics about my hari raya later on.. Coz my lil bro will want to use the computer soon

I have finally finish the 6 weeks of attachment.. have to say the last 3 weeks was damn slow BUT i still have fun.
Im glad my attachment friends accepted the blur trait in me ^^
The hafiz from pri skool mayb good but he has a bad bad side.. It's no wonder someone i know dislike him.. :X

My motive now is to hang out with my friends & put all thwe pics tat's been taking up too much computer space :DD

Piano's having PSLE now.. He still playing games but he at least revised. Let's see the verdict! He talked big about beating my aggregate score of 232. Wish him the best kaiz! Coz if he meet his bragging, Boss will get his xbox 360 as promised by the sister.. >.<

Love is in the air!!

I feel like wanting hamsters whenever i see tiz pic!!

A rabbit that looks like a dog? *those droopy ears*

Yea teddybear took lotsa pics of em too

The fur!!! fluffy!!! *_*

More hamsters

Shy rabbit

They are just too adorable

My fav mobile display pic till now hehe

When we went to the fountain of wealth.. There were music and laser display with words of dedication.
Read a couple declaration of love..
When we went up to get a better view of the fountain from above.
I got a shock, the whole victoria jc was dancing all around the fountain
This event i believe is one of the rarest for most jcs..
Imagine the whole entire school dancing to the music.. Everyone was prepared for it and classes dancing in synchronised manners, i bet those vjc ppl love it to bits..
Unfortunately, they move too much tat i only got blur snapshots of em.

I went to their school open house with wan ling after sec 4 prelims.
And was instantly charmed by the school.. I really wanted to go there, it look like it would be so much fun..
And there u go, this event prove it all..

However i went to MI as it was nearer to me for my 3 months course..
I still had fun coz wan ton mee, susu & ct were with me.
I met an otaku named Ying Jie and she is the best storyteller i've ever met! Ronnie was also one of my good friends, he's damn blur but was a nice person
Wonder wat happen to em hehe..

So those who worked hard in O levels & plan to go to college..
Make vjc in ur top choices kaiz ;)

Saw tiz peeps carrying one heavy teabag when we reach
and left city hall..
Though we're strangers, I like the coincidental meetings with their backs XDD

One of modoki's gift for me bday!
I used it for my piano file now hehe

In 07 & 08, i was so depressed from the extreme turn around in my life..
And now i finallyfeel that i became stronger.
I didnt realise the me in sec skool still had many flaws..
That girl was still bratty yet i used to think that girl was strong *shakes head*

Rite now i can stand firm & look ahead, let whatever disasters come, im gonna face u head on.
Me and my family is gonna move into my uncle's house.
My aunt had peacefully passed away during June and we decided to help give a look out on Afiz
And most weekends, im taking care of Iqah & Ilam..
They too are orphans. Tat aunt of mine passed away last year.
Im glad i managed to get back on my two feet to shelter them.. My mom will do the disciplining, and me? I will do my sister role lor hahax..
I always have and always will love my mom for her sharp tongue and her sincere heart.. ^^

The times that i might crumble, im counting on u all to help out by hearing me out
And i promise i'll stand by u. Fair exchange? ;DD

--My thoughts--

What riches can't afford is what fate endows.
The fate's gifts is so abstract that it differs from each mind's perception.
And as you keep looking at what you received, what color will your soul be at the end of your journey..
Will it only be drenched by one colour or many colours??

The gifts that fate blessed me were change, time & meetings.
Im glad Dad's riches were gone if not, i'll never get to reach tiz girl rite now.
Im glad some have seen me from my worst to my strongest..
They stir irreplacable bonds in me.
I might not have found love but still friendships rite now are more than enough.
Friends believe me, although i may not be around much now,
i think of u and i can never thank u enough

Hyped did mentioned that i needed a counsellor at one time.. well, the time when i hated guys so much lah.
I wanted to but money is needed for counselling.
So i decided not to go.. so yupz, u all had to take the brunt of it.
And tats why i appreciate everyone's support big or small for these past 2 years! Making me laugh, listening my whinings helps kaiz! XDD

Expect another rant soon and im gonna start searching for places i wanna go. So look forward to seeing me! Miss me? :P
Hell, today im too sentimental sorry! *glomps everyone who manage to read tiz far*

MONDAY 12/10/09

[[Walking Alone On This Endless Road]]*|11:06 PM|